Listening to: No Regret - Zircon
Watching: Eden of the East
Eating: Baked tofu
Drinking: White Russian
Here I am at 5:53 AM unable to sleep. I've been in a lot of pain for the last few weeks, enough to keep me away from my job. The stupid doctor forgot to send in my lab, so I had to come back and do it again, just to find out yesterday that it was negative of any infections. (Note that this pain is bad enough to make me scream, cry, writhe around.. The cat will attack anyone who gets too close to me during those time.) And so I had to wait the entire three day weekend because the doctor's office was closed. So I will be going into work later today after watching my niece. I will finally get to go back to the doctor on thursday to get some x-rays of my back.
So, being home for nearly three weeks gave me some insight on a ton of stuff. First time my boyfriend saw me cry, and he felt helpless. (We keep in contact over skype since we are in different cities.) He wishes he was near so he could take me to the ER. My parents, whom I am staying with while I try to recover from this ache, still do not think that this is ER worthy. So when the pain actually hits, I cant get up and take myself there. I just have to suck it up and either wait for it to pass, or pass out from said pain.
On the other side, I joined the gym the other day. Their resistance pool, lazy river, and hot tub are really good on my back. Jogging on the treadmill seems to help calm the pain, too.
Back to the grim side, the pain has allowed me to dwell on bad thoughts and bad memories. The betrayal and abandonment that so many of my 'friends' did to me... I have almost nobody left in this town. No one to hang out with, to help take my mind off things. Yes I know that I am an adult and that I need to just suck it up, but with these memories resurfacing, its nearly impossible to. Its been what.. Two, three years now since my best friends decided to abandon me? Why can't I get over it and move on?
Without support, and with all this pain, I can only imagine what is ahead. I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but all I can see so far is me losing my job, unable to do anything about it. It feels so disabling, and I fear what lies ahead.
My apologies that my thoughts seem scatted about. I have gotten between 2-4 hours of sleep since this pain started.